[Info-vax] Hewlett's Pecker enhances VMS productivity tools

[Michael Austin]

Neil Rieck wrote:
> On Apr 1, 3:00 am, JF Mezei <jfmezei.spam... at vaxination.ca> wrote:
>> Hewlett's Pecker enhances VMS productivity tools
>> Palo Alto, CA,  April 1, 2009
>>
>> In a further show of its commitment to the future of VMS, Hewlett's
>> Pecker has embarqued on an ambitious program to grow, widen enlarge and
>> enhance the utilities of the VMS operatings system.
>>
>> "We are finally delivering a clear direction for our VMS product line,
>> something our customers had been asking for some time" said Ann N.
>> Liverless, Executive Vice President, Technology Solutions Group.
>>
>> "Since the early 1990s, utilities on VMS have not followed industry
>> trends and are lagging behind, so we have a lot of catching up to do"
>> said Mrs Liverless. Plans call for the progressive improvement of
>> existing utilities and addition of missing productivity tools based on
>> priority indicated by our customers.
>>
>> To this end, Hewlett's Pecker is proud to announce that it has licensed
>> the code from the original "Solitaire" productivy tool from Microsoft
>> Corporation. This had been flagged in the mid 1990s, as an important
>> omission from VMS's utility arsenal and has thus been given top
>> priority, especially since Microsoft stopped providing this tool
>> starting with Windows 95 to the deception of so many users. Bringing
>> Solitaire to VMS will thus give VMS a big edge against Windows.
>>
>> In a conference call with Wall Street Casino Analysts, Hewlett's Pecker
>> indicated that such productivity tools are usually highly CPU intensive
>> and should drive sales of VMS related hardware up. Furthermore, it is
>> foreseen that various new peripherals will be supported on VMS over the
>> medium term, such as joysticks, pedals, and gyro controlled actuators
>> (such as used in the Wii).
>>
>> "We have a lot of catching up to do before we can run leading edge
>> utilities on VMS, but we expect to be able to get there in less than 10
>> years" said Scott Stallag, Senior Vice President and General Manager
>> Enterprise Storage and Servers, Technology Solutions Group. "The
>> introduction of Solitaire" to VMS will give the OS a huge jump from the
>> mid 80s to the early 1990s" said Mr Stallag.  There will be many visible
>> improvements in the next few years with a long term goal of being able
>> to run World of Warcraft on VMS. Medium term plans call for support of
>> "Minefield" and to revamp the original "adventure" game by adding colour
>> ANSI sequences to text messages (red when you're getting warmer, blue
>> when getting colder).
>>
>> Hewlett's Pecker is also working on its second attempt to implement
>> artificial intelligence within the VMS kernel. A previous attempt in the
>> late 1980s had resulted in some glitches when the code was accidentally
>> released as part of VMS 5.0 to a commercial site, requiring them to hire
>> a vaxorcist. This time, the time-tested code from Eliza will be
>> integrated into the kernel and interfaced with the DCL command
>> interpretor. Eliza will, over time, refine its knowledge of a user,s
>> personality by recording each trait in the user's
>> SYS$LOGIN:PERSONALITY.DATA file.  This will give Eliza the ability to
>> guess which qualifiers and arguments the user should be typing and will
>> auto-complete and execute the command without the user having to review
>> the commad and press return. Should the user stray from expected
>> commands/qualifiers, Eliza will use her voice synthesis capabilities to
>> question the user's motive and ask why the user is behaving differently,
>> and the user's response will serve to further refine the user's
>> personality profile.
>>
>> Progressive upgrades of Eliza will bring the product closer and closer
>> to its ultimate goal of Eliza having the full personality of each user
>> stored on disk and being able to do the user's work in the background,
>> while the user can play Solitaire all day.
>>
>> "Customers prefer to see an OS evolution rather than revolution, and
>> this is why we have decided to progressively upgrade VMS from the mid
>> 1980s, through the early, mid and late 1990s and eventually, our goal is
>> to bring up into the 21st century" said Martin Funky, Senior Vice
>> President and General Manager, Business Critical Systems, Technology
>> Solutions Group.
>>
>> "The integral melding of Eliza with the VMS kernel will enable
>> sophisticated productivity and productivity tools which should culminate
>> with the activation of the military system called "Skynet" which will
>> give VMS many bragging rights and serious market share because VMS will
>> litterally crush all other systems on the planet" said  Bugs Bunny, Vice
>> President and Managing director, Root Access and Tunneling Software,
>> Business Critical Systems, Technology Solutions Group.
>>
>> -------------------------------------
>>
>> About Hewlett's Pecker
>>
>> Hewlett's Pecker, the world’s biggest dick, augments the experience for
>> consumers and businesses with a portfolio that spans software, hardware,
>> personal enjoyment devices, lubricants,  whips, chains, and a large
>> inventory of services, techniques, gadgets and positions. More
>> information about Hewlett's Pecker is not available athttp://198.105.192.30.
>>
>> Windows. Windows 3.1, Windows 95 are trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.
>>
>> Intel and Intel Itanium are trademarks of Intel Corporation in the U.S.
>> and other countries.
>>
>> VMS is a trademark of Vail Mountain School.
>>
>> This news advisory contains forward-looking statements that involve
>> risks, uncertainties and assumptions. If such risks or uncertainties
>> materialize or such assumptions prove correct, Hewlett's Pecker's
>> performance could differ materially from that expected by partners or
>> implied by all the bragging about Hewlett's Pecker's size. All
>> statements other than statements of historical fact are statements that
>> must be deemed fictitious statements, including but not limited to
>> statements of the size, width and stamina of Hewlett's Pecker; any
>> statements concerning expected development, performance or market
>> ratings; any statements regarding anticipated operational and unplanned
>> infections; any statements of expectation of pregnancy accidents; and
>> any statements of assumptions underlying any of the foregoing. Risks,
>> uncertainties and assumptions include macroeconomic and geopolitical
>> trends and events; size and colour of underwear; the execution and
>> performance of contracts by Hewlett's Pecker  and satisfaction of its
>> customers, suppliers and partners; the achievement of expected
>> operational and financial results; and other risks that are described in
>> Hewlett's Pecker statement on Form 69-Q for the fiscal quarter ended
>> January 31, 2009 and Hewlett's Pecker’s other filings with the regulator
>> of the world's oldest business, including but not limited to Hewlett's
>> Pecker's annual medical checkup and certificate of health. This press
>> release was originally to deal with staff redundancies but was restaked
>> to avoid dealing with sensitive events.  Hewlett's Pecker assumes no
>> obligation and does not intend to update these forward-looking statements.
>>
>> This is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents and locations
>> portrayed and the names herein are fictitious and any similarity to or
>> identification with the location, name, character or history of any
>> person, product or entity is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
>>
>> No animals were harmed during the making of this press release.
>>
>> © 2009 Hewlett's Pecker Performance Company. The information contained
>> herein, along with the size of Hewlett's Pecker is subject to change
>> without notice. If you've read this far and haven't yet realised this
>> was an april fool's document, then get a life. The only warranties for
>> Hewlett's Pecker's products and services are set forth in the express
>> warranty statements accompanying such products and services. Nothing
>> herein should be construed as constituting an additional warranty.
>> Hewlett's Pecker shall not be liable for weird rashes, pregnancy,
>> inability to perform, or any other problems.
> 
> Hello JF, happy April 1st !!!
> 
> NSR


   yeah, some people have WAY too much time on their hands...