[Info-vax] Hewlett's Pecker enhances VMS productivity tools

[Neil Rieck]

On Apr 1, 3:00 am, JF Mezei <jfmezei.spam... at vaxination.ca> wrote:
> Hewlett's Pecker enhances VMS productivity tools
> Palo Alto, CA,  April 1, 2009
>
> In a further show of its commitment to the future of VMS, Hewlett's
> Pecker has embarqued on an ambitious program to grow, widen enlarge and
> enhance the utilities of the VMS operatings system.
>
> "We are finally delivering a clear direction for our VMS product line,
> something our customers had been asking for some time" said Ann N.
> Liverless, Executive Vice President, Technology Solutions Group.
>
> "Since the early 1990s, utilities on VMS have not followed industry
> trends and are lagging behind, so we have a lot of catching up to do"
> said Mrs Liverless. Plans call for the progressive improvement of
> existing utilities and addition of missing productivity tools based on
> priority indicated by our customers.
>
> To this end, Hewlett's Pecker is proud to announce that it has licensed
> the code from the original "Solitaire" productivy tool from Microsoft
> Corporation. This had been flagged in the mid 1990s, as an important
> omission from VMS's utility arsenal and has thus been given top
> priority, especially since Microsoft stopped providing this tool
> starting with Windows 95 to the deception of so many users. Bringing
> Solitaire to VMS will thus give VMS a big edge against Windows.
>
> In a conference call with Wall Street Casino Analysts, Hewlett's Pecker
> indicated that such productivity tools are usually highly CPU intensive
> and should drive sales of VMS related hardware up. Furthermore, it is
> foreseen that various new peripherals will be supported on VMS over the
> medium term, such as joysticks, pedals, and gyro controlled actuators
> (such as used in the Wii).
>
> "We have a lot of catching up to do before we can run leading edge
> utilities on VMS, but we expect to be able to get there in less than 10
> years" said Scott Stallag, Senior Vice President and General Manager
> Enterprise Storage and Servers, Technology Solutions Group. "The
> introduction of Solitaire" to VMS will give the OS a huge jump from the
> mid 80s to the early 1990s" said Mr Stallag.  There will be many visible
> improvements in the next few years with a long term goal of being able
> to run World of Warcraft on VMS. Medium term plans call for support of
> "Minefield" and to revamp the original "adventure" game by adding colour
> ANSI sequences to text messages (red when you're getting warmer, blue
> when getting colder).
>
> Hewlett's Pecker is also working on its second attempt to implement
> artificial intelligence within the VMS kernel. A previous attempt in the
> late 1980s had resulted in some glitches when the code was accidentally
> released as part of VMS 5.0 to a commercial site, requiring them to hire
> a vaxorcist. This time, the time-tested code from Eliza will be
> integrated into the kernel and interfaced with the DCL command
> interpretor. Eliza will, over time, refine its knowledge of a user,s
> personality by recording each trait in the user's
> SYS$LOGIN:PERSONALITY.DATA file.  This will give Eliza the ability to
> guess which qualifiers and arguments the user should be typing and will
> auto-complete and execute the command without the user having to review
> the commad and press return. Should the user stray from expected
> commands/qualifiers, Eliza will use her voice synthesis capabilities to
> question the user's motive and ask why the user is behaving differently,
> and the user's response will serve to further refine the user's
> personality profile.
>
> Progressive upgrades of Eliza will bring the product closer and closer
> to its ultimate goal of Eliza having the full personality of each user
> stored on disk and being able to do the user's work in the background,
> while the user can play Solitaire all day.
>
> "Customers prefer to see an OS evolution rather than revolution, and
> this is why we have decided to progressively upgrade VMS from the mid
> 1980s, through the early, mid and late 1990s and eventually, our goal is
> to bring up into the 21st century" said Martin Funky, Senior Vice
> President and General Manager, Business Critical Systems, Technology
> Solutions Group.
>
> "The integral melding of Eliza with the VMS kernel will enable
> sophisticated productivity and productivity tools which should culminate
> with the activation of the military system called "Skynet" which will
> give VMS many bragging rights and serious market share because VMS will
> litterally crush all other systems on the planet" said  Bugs Bunny, Vice
> President and Managing director, Root Access and Tunneling Software,
> Business Critical Systems, Technology Solutions Group.
>
> -------------------------------------
>
> About Hewlett's Pecker
>
> Hewlett's Pecker, the world’s biggest dick, augments the experience for
> consumers and businesses with a portfolio that spans software, hardware,
> personal enjoyment devices, lubricants,  whips, chains, and a large
> inventory of services, techniques, gadgets and positions. More
> information about Hewlett's Pecker is not available athttp://198.105.192.30.
>
> Windows. Windows 3.1, Windows 95 are trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.
>
> Intel and Intel Itanium are trademarks of Intel Corporation in the U.S.
> and other countries.
>
> VMS is a trademark of Vail Mountain School.
>
> This news advisory contains forward-looking statements that involve
> risks, uncertainties and assumptions. If such risks or uncertainties
> materialize or such assumptions prove correct, Hewlett's Pecker's
> performance could differ materially from that expected by partners or
> implied by all the bragging about Hewlett's Pecker's size. All
> statements other than statements of historical fact are statements that
> must be deemed fictitious statements, including but not limited to
> statements of the size, width and stamina of Hewlett's Pecker; any
> statements concerning expected development, performance or market
> ratings; any statements regarding anticipated operational and unplanned
> infections; any statements of expectation of pregnancy accidents; and
> any statements of assumptions underlying any of the foregoing. Risks,
> uncertainties and assumptions include macroeconomic and geopolitical
> trends and events; size and colour of underwear; the execution and
> performance of contracts by Hewlett's Pecker  and satisfaction of its
> customers, suppliers and partners; the achievement of expected
> operational and financial results; and other risks that are described in
> Hewlett's Pecker statement on Form 69-Q for the fiscal quarter ended
> January 31, 2009 and Hewlett's Pecker’s other filings with the regulator
> of the world's oldest business, including but not limited to Hewlett's
> Pecker's annual medical checkup and certificate of health. This press
> release was originally to deal with staff redundancies but was restaked
> to avoid dealing with sensitive events.  Hewlett's Pecker assumes no
> obligation and does not intend to update these forward-looking statements.
>
> This is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents and locations
> portrayed and the names herein are fictitious and any similarity to or
> identification with the location, name, character or history of any
> person, product or entity is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
>
> No animals were harmed during the making of this press release.
>
> © 2009 Hewlett's Pecker Performance Company. The information contained
> herein, along with the size of Hewlett's Pecker is subject to change
> without notice. If you've read this far and haven't yet realised this
> was an april fool's document, then get a life. The only warranties for
> Hewlett's Pecker's products and services are set forth in the express
> warranty statements accompanying such products and services. Nothing
> herein should be construed as constituting an additional warranty.
> Hewlett's Pecker shall not be liable for weird rashes, pregnancy,
> inability to perform, or any other problems.

Hello JF, happy April 1st !!!

NSR