[Info-vax] Hewlett's Pecker enhances VMS productivity tools

[JF Mezei]

Hewlett's Pecker enhances VMS productivity tools
Palo Alto, CA,  April 1, 2009


In a further show of its commitment to the future of VMS, Hewlett's
Pecker has embarqued on an ambitious program to grow, widen enlarge and
enhance the utilities of the VMS operatings system.

"We are finally delivering a clear direction for our VMS product line,
something our customers had been asking for some time" said Ann N.
Liverless, Executive Vice President, Technology Solutions Group.

"Since the early 1990s, utilities on VMS have not followed industry
trends and are lagging behind, so we have a lot of catching up to do"
said Mrs Liverless. Plans call for the progressive improvement of
existing utilities and addition of missing productivity tools based on
priority indicated by our customers.

To this end, Hewlett's Pecker is proud to announce that it has licensed
the code from the original "Solitaire" productivy tool from Microsoft
Corporation. This had been flagged in the mid 1990s, as an important
omission from VMS's utility arsenal and has thus been given top
priority, especially since Microsoft stopped providing this tool
starting with Windows 95 to the deception of so many users. Bringing
Solitaire to VMS will thus give VMS a big edge against Windows.

In a conference call with Wall Street Casino Analysts, Hewlett's Pecker
indicated that such productivity tools are usually highly CPU intensive
and should drive sales of VMS related hardware up. Furthermore, it is
foreseen that various new peripherals will be supported on VMS over the
medium term, such as joysticks, pedals, and gyro controlled actuators
(such as used in the Wii).

"We have a lot of catching up to do before we can run leading edge
utilities on VMS, but we expect to be able to get there in less than 10
years" said Scott Stallag, Senior Vice President and General Manager
Enterprise Storage and Servers, Technology Solutions Group. "The
introduction of Solitaire" to VMS will give the OS a huge jump from the
mid 80s to the early 1990s" said Mr Stallag.  There will be many visible
improvements in the next few years with a long term goal of being able
to run World of Warcraft on VMS. Medium term plans call for support of
"Minefield" and to revamp the original "adventure" game by adding colour
ANSI sequences to text messages (red when you're getting warmer, blue
when getting colder).

Hewlett's Pecker is also working on its second attempt to implement
artificial intelligence within the VMS kernel. A previous attempt in the
late 1980s had resulted in some glitches when the code was accidentally
released as part of VMS 5.0 to a commercial site, requiring them to hire
a vaxorcist. This time, the time-tested code from Eliza will be
integrated into the kernel and interfaced with the DCL command
interpretor. Eliza will, over time, refine its knowledge of a user,s
personality by recording each trait in the user's
SYS$LOGIN:PERSONALITY.DATA file.  This will give Eliza the ability to
guess which qualifiers and arguments the user should be typing and will
auto-complete and execute the command without the user having to review
the commad and press return. Should the user stray from expected
commands/qualifiers, Eliza will use her voice synthesis capabilities to
question the user's motive and ask why the user is behaving differently,
and the user's response will serve to further refine the user's
personality profile.

Progressive upgrades of Eliza will bring the product closer and closer
to its ultimate goal of Eliza having the full personality of each user
stored on disk and being able to do the user's work in the background,
while the user can play Solitaire all day.

"Customers prefer to see an OS evolution rather than revolution, and
this is why we have decided to progressively upgrade VMS from the mid
1980s, through the early, mid and late 1990s and eventually, our goal is
to bring up into the 21st century" said Martin Funky, Senior Vice
President and General Manager, Business Critical Systems, Technology
Solutions Group.

"The integral melding of Eliza with the VMS kernel will enable
sophisticated productivity and productivity tools which should culminate
with the activation of the military system called "Skynet" which will
give VMS many bragging rights and serious market share because VMS will
litterally crush all other systems on the planet" said  Bugs Bunny, Vice
President and Managing director, Root Access and Tunneling Software,
Business Critical Systems, Technology Solutions Group.


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About Hewlett's Pecker

Hewlett's Pecker, the world’s biggest dick, augments the experience for
consumers and businesses with a portfolio that spans software, hardware,
personal enjoyment devices, lubricants,  whips, chains, and a large
inventory of services, techniques, gadgets and positions. More
information about Hewlett's Pecker is not available at
http://198.105.192.30 .

Windows. Windows 3.1, Windows 95 are trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.

Intel and Intel Itanium are trademarks of Intel Corporation in the U.S.
and other countries.

VMS is a trademark of Vail Mountain School.



This news advisory contains forward-looking statements that involve
risks, uncertainties and assumptions. If such risks or uncertainties
materialize or such assumptions prove correct, Hewlett's Pecker's
performance could differ materially from that expected by partners or
implied by all the bragging about Hewlett's Pecker's size. All
statements other than statements of historical fact are statements that
must be deemed fictitious statements, including but not limited to
statements of the size, width and stamina of Hewlett's Pecker; any
statements concerning expected development, performance or market
ratings; any statements regarding anticipated operational and unplanned
infections; any statements of expectation of pregnancy accidents; and
any statements of assumptions underlying any of the foregoing. Risks,
uncertainties and assumptions include macroeconomic and geopolitical
trends and events; size and colour of underwear; the execution and
performance of contracts by Hewlett's Pecker  and satisfaction of its
customers, suppliers and partners; the achievement of expected
operational and financial results; and other risks that are described in
Hewlett's Pecker statement on Form 69-Q for the fiscal quarter ended
January 31, 2009 and Hewlett's Pecker’s other filings with the regulator
of the world's oldest business, including but not limited to Hewlett's
Pecker's annual medical checkup and certificate of health. This press
release was originally to deal with staff redundancies but was restaked
to avoid dealing with sensitive events.  Hewlett's Pecker assumes no
obligation and does not intend to update these forward-looking statements.

This is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents and locations
portrayed and the names herein are fictitious and any similarity to or
identification with the location, name, character or history of any
person, product or entity is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

No animals were harmed during the making of this press release.

© 2009 Hewlett's Pecker Performance Company. The information contained
herein, along with the size of Hewlett's Pecker is subject to change
without notice. If you've read this far and haven't yet realised this
was an april fool's document, then get a life. The only warranties for
Hewlett's Pecker's products and services are set forth in the express
warranty statements accompanying such products and services. Nothing
herein should be construed as constituting an additional warranty.
Hewlett's Pecker shall not be liable for weird rashes, pregnancy,
inability to perform, or any other problems.